


Solace

by Jonnorpost



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Forgive Me, M/M, Supportive Connor, broken Jude, emotion, i wrote this at 4:00am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:32:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonnorpost/pseuds/Jonnorpost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternatively, Jude takes Jack's death really hard and when he's drowning in emotions and beyond overwhelmed with everything, he turns to his ex...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

> So this happened at 4:00am and I kinda had this idea where Jude's just completely losing it and he turns to Connor for support. I wrote this before the finale, but I have to say I'm a little disappointed with how "calm" he is about Jack's death on the show.

2:00 AM, and Jude still hadn't slept. He had been crying off and on all night, too many thoughts were swirling through his mind, and he was strangled with a whole range of emotion between sadness, anger, fear, and the more extreme... Soul crushing depression, which had once again surfaced after trying so hard to keep it at bay. And pure blood boiling hatred and rage he felt toward the foster system for failing Jack. They'd promised him a safe home, and he ended up dead at the hands of a man who very well could've done the same to him a year ago. Jack, a kid his own age who Jude had grown to like and enjoy the company of. A boy he'd considered a good friend, was now ripped away from him right when he needed a friend the most.

The constant lies he told himself and anyone who'd asked, had been his solace, and it was becoming more and more clear that he was not " _okay_ ," and nothing was " _fine_ ," like he wanted to believe. He was _far_ from okay and _nothing_ was fine. He was crumbling and hurting and he didn't know what to do. Jude was so overwhelmed, and had honestly worked himself up so much that there was no way he'd be able to sleep, and he was literally going to lose it. Hearing Stef's voice on a loop in his head from the moment she sat him down and told him that there had been an accident, and that Jack was gone... Except it was not an accident, and in the dead silence of the early morning hours, his thoughts were too loud, and the word "accident" made him even more angry.

By 2:30 AM, Jude was surprised that his broken choked off sobs hadn't woken Jesus. But the later it got, the more frustrated he became, and the more frustrated he became, the harder it would be to eventually fall asleep. He gave up five minutes later, tossing the blankets off himself and grabbing his phone from the night stand before getting up and leaving the room. He made his way downstairs as quietly as he could and sat in the family room, in the farthest corner, gripping his phone and contemplating... The only person he wanted to talk to just so happened to be the person he was absolutely sure wouldn't want to talk to him, and he doubted Connor would even answer his phone so late. Perhaps if they were still dating, but not now that they'd broken up just over a week ago and hadn't spoken since then. Still, he took a deep breath, staring at Connor's contact on his phone which he hadn't deleted, and pressed call. He had to try. Though he had no idea what he'd do if this failed...

It rang far longer than Jude had ever heard his phone ring, and when he was about to give up and end the call, the ringing stopped. There was silence, but somehow he felt a rush of relief knowing Connor answered and not his voicemail. There was a ruffling sound, probably of blankets, and then, "Jude?"

Jude lost it all over again, unable to hold back the sob that left him, along with the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling. " _Connor_..." Jude choked out.

The other end was quiet again, and for a moment, Jude thought maybe Connor hung up, but then he heard the same ruffling sound and a sharp intake of breath. "Jude, what's wrong?" He sounded so tired, but the concern was so obviously there, it made Jude feel a little better.

"I'm sorry," he cried. "I'm sorry, I just..." His breath hitched in a small hiccup and he tried to compose himself enough to speak but he failed.

"It's okay..." Connor said after a moment. "Please tell me what's going on."

"I just need you," Jude managed to say. Connor fell silent again and Jude asked, "Connor?" Sounding a little desperate.

"I'm here," he said reassuringly. "Jude, it's so late, please... Talk to me. I'm.." he paused. "I'm worried."

"Um," Jude started, taking a deep shaky breath to calm down enough to be able to tell him anything of what was going on. "Something happened."

"What happened?" Connor asked gently. "Are you okay?"

"No," Jude said quickly. "I mean, nothing happened to me," he said shakily.

"Are your moms... Okay?" He asked hesitantly, knowing that things had been rough with Stef's cancer and their previous marriage issues.

"Yes. Family is okay," Jude clarified. He took another deep breath, knowing he'd have to try to explain what happened. "Um..." He whispered, running a hand through his hair. "Jack..." He said, voice breaking and his emotions taking over again. "He was killed."

Jude heard Connor's intake of breath as he gasped. "My god.. Jude I'm so sorry..." He breathed, and Jude broke down again.

"He was, um..." he tried to say. "They put him with the guy who Callie and I were with before moms, and he..." Jude stopped, anger taking over more than the sadness. "They put him in that house and that guy _killed_ him! He's dead because the system let that... _Disgrace_ of a human being still keep his damn license. Jack is _dead_ because of that!" Jude was only vaguely aware of the fact that he was yelling, still much quieter than he could be, but it was loud enough that he wondered if anyone woke up.

"I- that's so screwed up... God, I don't know what to say to that, but I'm so sorry," Connor said sincerely.

"I can't handle all this..." Jude whispered.

"I know," Connor said softly. "Listen, I know we're..." He didn't finish that sentence. "But I'm still here, okay? Just.. Talk to me."

"I miss you," Jude admitted. "I'm trying so hard to move on and I can't."

"It's only been a week and three days," Connor said quickly, almost as if he'd been counting the days. "You can't expect to move on that quickly. And..." Connor paused. "I miss you too," he breathed. "I think, for as long as we've known each other, this is the longest we've gone without talking."

Jude thought about it. Connor was right, they'd been inseparable since they met, and that was just part of why it was so hard to deal with the break up. Jude didn't just lose a boyfriend, he lost his best friend. "I was wrong," Jude said quietly.

"hmm?"

"I said you don't feel like my friend anymore, and I was wrong." Jude was _so_ wrong, because it was nearly 3:00 AM and Connor was still there for him.

"Well," he sighed. "Yes, but I think you were right. When we were dating... We lost sight of who we were before, you know?"

"Yeah," Jude agreed. He took another deep breath, considering his next words carefully. "I'm not okay, Connor..."

"What?" He asked. "What do you mean?"

"I don't really know," he whispered. "Um... I haven't talked about it, so I don't know how to explain it, but... I'm... The thoughts I've been having are kinda scary. Depressing." It felt weird to finally admit it, but somewhat relieving.

"And you haven't told anyone until now?" Connor asked, clearly worried. His voice had a bit of an edge to it and it made Jude's heart skip.

"No," he said. "I can't put that on moms right now, they've got enough going on. They'll just worry way more than they should."

"Okay but they're your moms, they're there to help you. Plus, moms always have a way of knowing things without you saying it, and they're probably already worried about you. They'll worry more, not knowing what's going on..."

Jude had considered talking to one of his siblings, but everyone had so much going on, and were already stressed enough, he didn't want to put that on them either. He sighed. "I just don't understand why this stuff happens to me."

"I know it's hard," Connor said, sounding like he was stifling a yawn. "But _please_..." Jude was almost startled by how he suddenly sounded like he was begging him. " _Don't_ give up, Jude.."

Jude wasn't entirely sure what he was referring to, but it made his eyes water again and he couldn't speak past the lump in his throat. Give up on them, or give up on life, Jude didn't know what he meant. Both thoughts had crossed his mind, and it was terrifying.

"Jude?" He was silent too long.

"I won't," he said unsteadily.

" _Promise me_!" Connor exclaimed, the genuine concern sounding almost harsh.

"I promise," Jude said before breaking down again.

"Good," Connor breathed. And then, "it's gonna be okay."

" _How_?" Jude asked, a bit desperately.

"I don't... I don't know, but it will be. Eventually." There was a long silence before he said, "it's nearly 3:00. Have you even slept?"

Jude ran a hand through his hair again. "No. I haven't been able to at all," he said.

Connor was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "I can stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep."

"Would you?" Jude asked softly. He was already adjusting the throw pillows on the couch and unfolding the throw blanket to put over himself. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep if he went back to bed right now.

"Of course," he replied, and Jude could hear the smile evident in his voice.

"Thank you," Jude told him, relaxing and clutching his phone tightly as he pulled the blanket up to his chin and balled the fabric in his fist.

"Goodnight, Jude."

"Goodnight, Connor."

And finally, Jude fell asleep, listening to the sound of Connor's breathing, and knowing that despite everything that had happened, he still hadn't lost Connor. 


End file.
